So I have a really interesting story to tell. I've gone over this post in my mind at least a hundred times over the last few weeks and each time it goes differently. Suffice it to say I've been a whirlwind of emotions over the last 6 weeks and this is why:
I am pregnant.
People find out they're pregnant everyday, so this really isn't' anything unique... we have 4 children, we obviously know how this process works, so why is this so shocking?
Well, about a year ago Adrian and I made the difficult decision that our family was complete. We have 4 beautiful, healthy children. We thought for a long time about this, we prayed about it, fasted about it and truly felt like it was the right thing to do for us. Our family was complete. Adrian had a vasectomy over a year ago and even the feeling I had after the procedure reinforced in my mind that we'd made the right decision.
See, we initially took for granted the entire process of having babies. We had Thomas {nearly 10 years ago!} and thought- let's do this again, this is fantastic! However it wasn't easy. After you have 1 baby it's supposed to be easier to get pregnant with the 2nd, 3rd, etc. However, we experienced the opposite- it got progressively more difficult each time. We got Adrian tested and had some answers why, so we knew it'd likely just take us longer than others to have more babies. It did. It was normal for us to wait months- even over a year, to get pregnant. I know that might not seem like a lot of time to some of you, but it was difficult for us. It wasn't easy, but each time we felt strongly that another child was meant to be in our family, so we had faith. We've experienced miscarriage. We've experienced complicated pregnancies. With Colin I had some early bleeding and a gush of fluid ~ at 6 weeks. We had an ultrasound and were told that we'd miscarried. Talk about a slew of emotions several weeks later when I still felt pregnant and another ultrasound revealed a 9 week old baby! With Leah it took over a year to get pregnant and then 10 weeks in I had gushing bleeding and was diagnosed with a subchorionic hemmorage. Several times I've experienced the absolute joy and relief to get pregnant, only to then have complications in pregnancy that might result in another loss. It's tremendously overwhelming.
The road hasn't been easy, but it's been exceptionally worth it. I am not writing this out for sympathy or anything- this has just been our experiences. Pregnancy and Motherhood have been and continue to be one of the absolutely most challenging and rewarding parts of life so far. I'm sure it will continue to be such as our kids get older!
I am writing this out to give a small glimpse into our reasoning for making the decision that our family was complete. It's something that is personal, yet we didn't mind sharing with others... mainly because people ask all the time!
Flash forward to the beginning of this year. I've actually been sitting here, staring at the above picture for about 5 minutes now just remembering, 6 weeks ago what it felt like seeing that positive test for the first time.
I think a very accurate description would be SHOCK. Pure shock.
If you remember, I had an infection, an allergic reaction and shingles earlier this year. I was later informed that these were likely all triggered and caused by the pregnancy I was completely unaware of. In the middle of the whole Shingles crud I missed my period, but honestly thought nothing of it. I've never been super regular and it wasn't the first time that an illness {or job change or move} has caused me to skip a cycle. I was tired all the time. Noting sounded good to eat. I chocked it all up to Shingles and the several different medications I was on. The list of side of effects for all this was long, so it was easy to dismiss the symptoms. I had several trips to the Dr and each time when they asked if I could be pregnant, I told them my husband had had a vasectomy- which they accepted as a perfect explanation to not administer a pregnancy test.
A couple weeks went by and the Shingles were healing. However I still felt lousy and talked to my mom, trying to get a few ideas regarding vitamins or whatnot, that could help me feel better. Did I have mono? A thyroid problem?
Then the nausea kicked in. I was actually still on one medication for shingles and a side effect was nausea, so again, it was easy to dismiss. I am mildly lactose intolerant and after a weekend eating tons of dairy, when the nausea escalated, again, it was easy to blame the intolerance as the cause. Honestly I was starting to think that something might be seriously wrong with me!
I decided that I should probably go in to a Dr. and see what's going on. In an effort to rule out the crazy notion that I might be pregnant, I asked Adrian to pick up a test on his way home. He thought I was nuts. Heck, I thought I was nuts!! A year after a vasectomy, you have a .05% of spontaneously getting pregnant. That's pretty dang low and never in my wildest imaginations did I ever think .05% would mean US.
I took the test and I've never seen one turn that positive that quickly. I walked out of the bathroom, handed the test to Adrian than promptly sat on the floor of the bathroom and cried.
I don't think I've ever felt so shocked and overwhelmed in my life.
We're having another baby. 5 kids! According to my rough calculations too, I was already 2 months along. I had all the symptoms, but because they happened at the same time as so many other illnesses, I disregarded them. I've given away and sold all my maternity clothes, baby clothes and most of our baby gear!! We were so not prepared for a curve ball like this!
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| Here's a belly shot at about 8-9 weeks, about 1.5 weeks after we found out. |
Here's a brief glimpse into the last 6 weeks: Nausea, nausea and more nausea. Exhaustion. My body knows what to do though and even though the baby is only the size of a plum here at 13 weeks, my bump has popped out and there's no denying what's going on! We've heard the heartbeat and saw baby swimming around happily. Baby is measuring ahead like all mine do, but for right now we're going with a due date of October 8th. I'm planning on end of September- my due dates have all been moved up by a week and I've still never made it to even one!
Emotionally? I'm all over the place. Early on I confided in a few close friends and I appreciate them so much. They talked me down more than once and were amazing sounding boards for my tears, frustrations and fear.
I've never had the experience of an unexpected pregnancy before. Ours have always been carefully planned and eagerly anticipated. This is a very new experience for me and it's been a heck of a lot more difficult than I'd ever imagined. Over the years I've heard and conversed with other women who have gotten pregnant unexpectedly and I always secretly thought, "they have no idea how lucky they are!!" I'd like to give a blanket apology to anyone I've said an awkward comment to on this subject- I had no idea what it felt like. To come to terms with the fact that your body, your family, your LIFE would be very drastically changing in another 7 months or so has been a tough situation to deal with. I'm doing my best. I'm getting more acclimated to the idea as time goes on.
We decided to tell the kids after we heart the heart beat. It was hilarious though- they didn't believe us at all. We got the whole thing on camera and after a good 5 minutes of trying to convince them, we gave up. It was a good couple weeks- when my belly really started popping out before they decided we were telling the truth. I guess we'd drilled it into them for so long now that our family was complete; that we weren't having any more babies, when we told them otherwise, they thought we were joking!!
It's getting easier though. Early last week I walked into the office where Thomas was doing his typing homework and I sat down at the computer. I was feeling pretty awful- taking deep breaths and doing my best to not gag and toss my cookies on the keyboard. Before I sat down he commented on how my stomach is getting bigger and bigger. I stopped and looked at him and asked, "Thomas, are you excited about this baby?" His answer surprised me, but it shouldn't have. He looked at me incredulously and said, "What? Mom, OF COURSE I'm excited!!" His comment was so genuine and sweet. I cried. {I cry a lot these days....}
{12 week belly shot... then here I am at 13 weeks- I swear I grew!}
I'm still getting used to the idea, but again, it's getting easier. I'm pretty sure I felt the baby move yesterday, which was neat. My feelings are valid and I don't feel as guilty anymore for having them. I am aware that Heavenly Father has a plan for my family that I'm not fully aware of yet. Apparently another baby is one of those plans. This idea is easier in theory than practice though!!! It's a tough idea to get used to- despite all our best laid plans, here we are, about to add to the family again. I'm the type of person who plans things out and likes to feel in control... when in fact I've felt nothing but the opposite lately. This whole year has been a long, crazy roller coaster ride.
So there you have it. We're having another baby. It's completely unexpected, but welcomed. ♥♥♥
